


Into and Out of Love

by 7thweasley



Category: Harry Potter - J.K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Voldemort, Arranged Marriage, Childhood Trauma, Depressing, F/M, M/M, Mentions of past abuse, Rape/Non-con Elements, Remus Centric, Suicide, The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black, Unhappy Ending, but not graphic, description of suicide, friends to lovers to strangers, mention of rape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:20:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25215379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/7thweasley/pseuds/7thweasley
Summary: “I learned a lot about falling in love when I fell out of love. I learned a lot about being a friend when I was alone.” -unknownWhen Sirius is unable to get out of a marriage arranged by his parents, his relationship with Remus suffers.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans (mentioned), Sirius Black/Original Female Character(s), Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 3
Kudos: 26





	Into and Out of Love

Remus could tell that Sirius had a secret. Of course, he had several, one of which being the pair’s relationship. Beginning with a spur-of-the-moment kiss in fifth year (a story for another time), Sirius and Remus had been involved for almost two years now. 

He tried, then, not to be upset when his boyfriend was found whispering with their friend James conspiratorially, only for the two to shut up when he entered the room. He respected Sirius’ privacy, no doubt, but the way he and James had been treating him lately… something was definitely off.

He had tried asking both Sirius and James about it. If Peter seemed like he knew anything, Remus would have asked him too, but Peter was usually the last to know Marauder secrets.

\--

“Prongs, Pads, what have you two been whispering about these last few weeks?” Remus had just stepped through the portrait hole. James had been supportively patting Sirius on the back, but the two quickly returned to nonchalant poses when he approached.

James stood and looked back at Sirius. “Uh, nothing really. Just Lily stuff. Girls, you know?” he sputtered, messing with his hair.

“I would know, having even shagged one myself. Sirius, on the other hand, being the massive queer that he is, is hardly my first choice for girl problems, though wouldn’t you say?” Remus knew he was being unfair, but the full moon was a mere three days away and he couldn’t help but be a little bit snippy.

Sirius started to say something but James cut him off. “Well, I’ll be off then. Quidditch practice. I’ll see you boys at dinner?” 

James grabbed his bag and hurried through the portrait hole from whence Remus had just come. He rounded on Sirius, who had his face in his hands.

Remus sat down beside him on the couch. “Really, what's going on with you?”

Sirius shook his head. “I can’t tell you, at least not right now. Please, Remus, trust me. I’m sorry.”

Remus could tell something was really tearing him up, but he conceded. The anger that was scratching at his aching bones gave way to the everpresent exhaustion. 

“I trust you,” he replied. “Cheer up, though. I hate to see you so down. It’s your birthday this Saturday. The big seventeen.”

“Don’t remind me.”

“Excuse me?”

“Never mind. Forget I said anything. I’m going to shower, then do some of Minnie’s transfiguration work. See you later?” He stood and stretched.

“Yeah, see you.”

Sirius scanned the common room to see if anyone was looking before bending his neck to give Remus a quick kiss. “Bye.”

\--

Having just transformed the night before, Remus was seated in a plush armchair by the fire. The Marauders threw parties like their lives depended on it, and the entire Gryffindor house wouldn’t sleep until much later that night. He was only a little bit tipsy; the firewhiskey’s warmth had settled nicely into his chest.

He watched lazily as Peter snogged Alice in a corner, surely much to the dislike of Frank who had been harboring a crush on her for several months. 

A few Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws had snagged an invitation by the looks of it. A girl Remus didn’t recognize was twirling her finger around James’ tie, who in turn was listening intently to whatever Lily was saying. The birthday boy, however, was nowhere within Remus’ sight. They had spent most of the day curled up in bed together, with Sirius testing Madam Pomfrey’s order of ‘no physical activity’ for a recovering Remus. He had disappeared soon after the party began, and hadn’t been seen since.

Remus begrudgingly set his drink down on the coffee table and stood. Grabbing his cane he set off to find his boyfriend. 

He started down the corridor towards the Astronomy Tower. That was Sirius’ favorite place to think. As he started to ascend the steps, his passage was blocked by a rather snarky Ravenclaw, by the name of Bulstrode if Remus could remember correctly. She was just coming down from the Tower.

“Excuse me,” Remus interjected, “you didn’t happen to see Sirius Black up there, did you?”

The Bulstrode girl’s eyes darted between his bandages and cane; he sure was a sight. “Can’t say that I did,” she sniffed, “Are you looking for him?”

“Yes, this is one of his favorite spots.”

“So I’ve been told. I’ve been looking for him as well, matter of fact. Why don’t you go back to the party and sit. When I find my fiancé I’ll be sure to let him know you were looking for him. What’s your name?”

Remus dropped his cane in shock. The girl graciously picked it up for him, her eyebrow raised expectantly.

“Your f–fiancé?” he choked out.

“Haven’t you heard?” The girl smiled cruelly. “The whole pureblood world is buzzing about it. But then again,” she said, looking him up and down, “you don’t look like a pureblood to me. No matter, Sirius and I are engaged to be married. Hopefully by the end of this coming summer.”

Her words rang in his ears. He didn’t reply, instead hurrying down the staircase.

He didn’t fully process anything until he found himself in his dormitory. He clutched the bedpost as the Bulstrode girl’s words repeated in his head.

Not a moment had passed when someone burst into the room behind him. “Remus!”

It was Sirius. He was panting as if he had been running.

“Thank God. Wisteria said a boy with a cane was looking for me – surely she meant you –“

“‘Wisteria’? Is that her name?” Remus turned and rammed his cane to the floor, causing Sirius to jump.

“Yes – Wisteria Bulstrode. Wait, why?” Sirius’ eyebrows were knit together in confusion.

“Wisteria Bulstrode – here I thought we had something, guess I was wrong! Of course, no pureblood heir would dare be serious about a fucking halfblood werewolf like me –“ He broke off into unintelligible swearing.

“Oh, God, you found out.” Sirius was yanking his hair anxiously, torn between holding Remus and backing off.

“You bet your ass I fucking found out. When were you planning on telling me? Before or after your wedding? Before or after you had your first child with that boil-nosed bitch?” 

Remus had never felt so angry. How could he have been so blind? He was nothing more than a way for Sirius to pass the time until he dropped him for his pureblood duties. He had been foolish to think Sirius returned his feelings.

“Stop it!” Sirius exploded, accidentally causing the window panes to shatter with his magic. “Enough! You think I want this? You think I have any choice in the matter?”

Remus opened his mouth to retort but was cut off by Sirius again.

“I’ll have you know that James and I have spent the last several months desperately trying to figure a way around it. Pureblood families like ours have always had arranged marriages. Prong’s parents are the exception - not having a wife arranged for him since birth! I was trying to figure out how to tell you.”

Remus could feel tears in his eyes starting to form, so he blinked rapidly to keep them back. He would not cry. 

“So what now, huh? We graduate this spring, and you’re married this summer? How can they do this to you; you’re seventeen now, you’re an adult!” Remus dejectedly sat on the edge of his bed. He felt utterly defeated. Sirius had known for years, and yet in the two years they were together he didn’t mention her.

“I’m still their heir, and that magic is far too ancient to care about the legal age,” he sighed. “The only way I can forfeit my heirship is if they disown me, or if I’m dead. I’ve tried so desperately to get my name blown off that blasted wall – you know, you’ve seen the scars on my back. They’re determined!”

He sank to the floor in front of Remus, and put his head in his lap. “Please, Remus, forgive me.”

Remus said nothing out of fear that his words would betray him and tumble out and he would never be able to stop them. He ran his fingers through Sirius’s hair, lost in thought.

“I’ve considered it, you know,” Sirius said darkly.

“Considered what?” Remus managed.

“I would rather die than live with her, than marry her. I would rather be dead than sleep with her, knowing I could have had you. If my parents make me do this, I don’t know what I’ll do.”

The severity of Sirius’ words hit Remus. He yanked him up by his shoulders so he could look him in the eye. “Listen to me, don’t talk this way. Do you hear me? You stay alive. You can’t let them win. We have time, we will figure something out. I promise you, you won’t marry her.”

Sirius’ face broke into a watery smile. He pulled Remus into a forceful hug, but Remus cared neither about his aching ribs or the snot Sirius was getting on his shirt. His mind was reeling. They had ten months to figure out a plan.

\--

It was two months until Sirius was to be married. His parents had kept him mostly locked up in his room, with almost no communication with the outside world. After graduation, Remus had been living with James on the edge of the Potters’ estate. The pair plus Peter had been burning the candle at both ends trying to enact a plan. They had several plans, they were Marauders of course. However, each one seemed more impossible than the last. Remus was, understandably, a mess. Eight months of planning had been fruitless, and as the wedding drew nearer, Sirius’ imprisonment grew stronger and more impermeable.

When there were three days to go, an owl landed right outside the window to their kitchen. It was addressed to James, written in Sirius’ perfect cursive.

_”James,_

_I was allowed a letter, but only a very brief one. Do not disrupt the wedding. If I don’t marry and produce an heir, the burden will fall to Regulus. They would marry him to Bellatrix. You know what she did to her first husband. Can’t let that happen to him — he should have a life away from this._

_Please tell Remus that I’m sorry. He deserves someone who doesn’t need to hide. I can’t be that. I’m sorry._

_See you at the wedding.  
-S”_

James solemnly passed the letter to Remus, who couldn’t help but tear up in anger.

“We knew it was a possibility,” James said, trying to comfort him.

Remus said nothing, only picking up his cane and storming out of the cottage. As much as he had feared it, he had known in his gut that it was the most likely scenario. What would happen to him and Sirius? Were they finished? Would he ever see him again even?

It didn’t take him long to realize that he didn’t want this to be the end for the two of them. He knew it wasn’t an ideal situation of course, but perhaps things were better this way. Perhaps now that Sirius was getting married, his family would interfere less in his life. As long as Sirius played his part well enough, who would stop him?

Invigorated with new hope, he returned to the cottage and penned a quick note to Sirius. He gave it to James, with instructions to slip it to the groom at the wedding.

\--

In the early morning after the wedding, Remus was in the Shrieking Shack, smoking a cigarette on the porch. A sharp crack told him that he was no longer alone, as the person he had been waiting for Apparated.

“Sirius —“ he began to say, turning around, but was practically tackled into a hug by the shorter man.

“Remus — I’m so sorry — so, so sorry — please forgive me, please?” Sirius begged, his face buried in the crook of Remus’ neck.

Remus pulled him away slightly, so he could look him in the eyes. “There is nothing to forgive, my love. You did what you had to do, nothing more.”

Sirius wiped his face with his sleeve and sighed deeply. “You’re not angry?”

“Of course I’m angry, just not with you. It’s your family that’s done this, as usual. Come, let’s sit. You got my note then?”

The pair sat down on a coffee table that had yet to be destroyed. “Of course I got your note, I’m here aren’t I?”

“Did you read all of it?”

“Yes. I don’t want to end things either.”

Remus clasped Sirius’ hands in his. “We can meet here, or elsewhere, every so often. It’ll be enough, it has to be. As long as you pretend to be the man your family expects, we can continue like this.”

“And besides, how many married pureblood men haven’t had affairs?”

Remus smiled at that. “I can be ‘the other woman.’”

“If anyone is the other woman, it’s Wisteria.”

Sirius’ playful façade faltered when he said her name.

“How was the wedding?” Remus asked gently.

Sirius sighed again, not meeting Remus’ gaze. “I don’t quite remember all of it. I’m lucky I didn’t make a complete fool of myself, drinking the way that I was. No, the worst part was the banquet and what came afterwards.”

“Afterwards?”

“Consummation,” he spat. “We had an audience, as is traditional. Her mother, and my father. Wisteria may be a bitch, but she was practically as nervous as I was.”

Remus tried to swallow the bitter taste in his mouth at the thought of someone besides himself touching Sirius. “So did you –?”

Sirius didn’t meet his gaze. “I didn’t want to, of course, you have to believe that. I wanted so badly for the whole thing to be over quickly, but I couldn’t – it wouldn’t stay – it took nearly forty-five minutes.”

His face was bright red, though he did his best to hide it in his hands. Remus didn’t know what to say, so he just put his arms around him and rubbed his back gently.

“I hope to God that she gets pregnant,” Sirius continued with a humorless laugh. “Never thought I would say that. But if she does, then I don’t have to do that anymore.”

“You would be a father,” Remus said needlessly. A year ago, when thinking about children, he had envisioned the two of them having a couple kids together in the far future. Never anything like this.

“I’ll deal with that when I have to. I would name you godfather, of course, damn what my parents or anyone else say.”

Sirius looked up at Remus, and tried to give him a genuine smile but fell short. The two were silent for a long time.

“Come on, let’s go to bed and not think about it, my love,” Remus whispered as he pulled Sirius towards the tattered mattress.

\-- (several months later) --

Remus was awakened in the very early morning to the harsh noise of his telephone. Groaning, he stood up out of bed and stumbled to the kitchen where it hung on the wall.

“Hello?” he half-answered, half-yawned.

“Hello? Who is this?”

“Who is this? You’re the one that rang me.” It was far too early for this nonsense.

“It’s Padfoot, is this Moony?”

Remus sighed into the phone. “Yes, it’s me, Sirius. What’s wrong?”

Sirius didn’t answer, though he could hear him breathing.

“Sirius?”

“She’s pregnant.”

Remus was silent for a few moments, focusing instead on tangling his fingers in the phone cord. “Are you certain?”

“Positive. She saw a Healer and everything to confirm it.”

“Oh.” Another pause. “Congratulations.”

“Yeah… thank you.”

Pause.

“Will I see you on the first of next month?”

“I actually meant to write to you; I can’t make it, our next visit. Wisteria’s parents are hosting an event to announce the pregnancy. I’ll be tied up with that.”

Remus swallowed. “Oh. Of course. Well, we can reschedule then.”

“Definitely, I’ll write to you. Listen, I should be going - I’m using the corner store’s telephone.”

“Yeah, alright.”

“Goodbye, Moony.”

“Wait, Pads --“

“Yeah?”

Everything that he wanted to say was pressing down on him, if only he was brave enough to say it. To say how much he missed him, how much he loved him. To ask him to run away with him. But he couldn’t.

“You’re going to make a fantastic father.”

He heard a deep, defeated sigh, and then the dial tone. Sirius had hung up on him.

\-- (nine months later) --

It had been 4 months since Remus had last seen or talked to Sirius, with the exception of the occasional short letter. His family had been keeping him on a short leash, and he was hardly allowed to leave Wisteria’s sight. Remus had told him that he understood, of course, but it was much harder to bear in reality. 

He would see a picture of him and his pregnant wife in the newspaper, and the breath would be absolutely knocked from his lungs. The first time it happened, he almost didn’t recognize him. Sirius’ long, dark hair, which had fallen just short of elbow-length and had quickly become his pride and joy, had been cut into a more conservative style. Additionally, his face seemed especially gaunt, like he hadn’t had a full stomach in weeks. But what had really shaken Remus were his eyes. Despite smiling in the picture, Sirius’ eyes were completely devoid of light, looking almost dead. This wasn’t the boy Remus had fallen in love with. Instead, a trapped man looked up from the page.

He was lost in his thoughts when an owl tapped on his window. Taking the letter from it, he read,

_”Moony,_

_It’s a boy! Wisteria gave birth around 6pm yesterday. We’ve named him Romulus Clematis Black. Apparently the Bulstrodes have something of a flower theme, like the Blacks have an astronomy one. The Clematis flower is a beautiful dark blue color. I insisted on the name Romulus. I don’t know if you have heard the myth, but it was one of my favorites as a child. Romulus and Remus (that’s you) were twins raised by a wolf, according to ancient Roman mythology. I would have named him Remus or John, but that seemed a little too suspicious._

_He’s absolutely perfect. I hope you get to meet him soon. You’re his godfather, of course. I declared it before anyone else had the chance, and that kind of magic is binding._

_Do you have plans next Saturday? I can perhaps sneak away with Romulus for an hour or two._

_Love,  
Padfoot”_

It was a lot to take in. On one hand, Remus was genuinely happy for Sirius; not necessarily about the child but just from reading the short letter he could tell Sirius was in a better mood than he had been since he married Wisteria Bulstrode. Remus could not find it in himself to be selfish enough to deny Sirius any happiness, even if he was excluded from it. On the other hand, though, he was incredibly bitter. The arrival of Sirius’ child would surely mean he would have even less time for the two of them (of which there was almost none at all anyways), and of course, the child’s very existence made Remus jealous. Not that he would ever tell Sirius that, though.

Despite knowing that seeing Sirius with the child would hurt him greatly, Remus found himself scribbling a short affirmative reply and tying it to the owl’s leg. For better or for worse, he would see him soon.

\--

This time, Remus was the latter to arrive to the Shrieking Shack. When he got there, Sirius was wandering peacefully about the living room, a thick blanket concealing what he held in his arms. He must not have heard Remus enter, for he continued to gently bounce and occasionally coo at the child. 

Remus stepped into the room and subtly cleared his throat.

“Moony!” Sirius exclaimed, as he turned around and crossed the room. “How are you?”

“I’m just fine, Pads, just fine. Is this him, then?” Remus had told himself and Sirius that he would be kind and forgiving throughout whatever happened, but looking at Sirius right then made his stomach twist. Regardless of their initial plan, their relationship was irrevocably changed.

Sirius smiled proudly, and presented the bundle of blankets to Remus. “Yep. Romulus, meet your Uncle Remus.”

Remus looked down at the baby he held. He had thick black hair, and dark eyes much like Sirius’. His nose, on the hand, was wide and flat where his father’s was sharp and distinguished.

“Shame he didn’t get your nose,” Remus joked gently. He did not know what to say. Even though he loved children, and wanted some of his own someday, he felt disgusted when he looked at Romulus. He was just a reminder of the distance between the two.

Sirius let out a sharp bark-like laugh. “Yeah, maybe so. Who knows, maybe it will get less pug-like over time.”

“Maybe.”

The two young adults stayed silent for a moment, just watching the baby yawn and squirm.

“You look real proper with a child in your arms,” Sirius said with a slightly nervous chuckle. “Ought to get you one of your own.”

Remus sighed, and started to hand Romulus back over to his father. “We talked about it that one time, remember? How we would have children together?”

Sirius cradled his child lovingly, not meeting Remus’ gaze. “He is ours. He could be.”

“Don’t say that,” Remus warned. “Don’t you dare. He is yours and that slut’s, he could never be mine!”

“Remus, please --”

He picked up his bag, and pulled his wand out to Disapparate. “I shouldn’t have come here, I’m sorry. I should go.”

Sirius grabbed his sleeve. “Please, I’m begging you, don’t leave --”

Remus pulled himself from his grasp and said cruelly, “Be careful, now, we don’t want your wife smelling me on you again, do we?”

With that, he turned on the spot and left Sirius trying to comfort the crying baby while his own eyes filled with tears.

\--

Several months later, the pair had yet to speak again. Remus’ anger had been replaced with shame and guilt for what he had done, but he could not bring himself to write that first letter and extend the metaphorical olive branch. He was up late one night, pondering the probably permanent ruin of their relationship, when the sharp tap of an owl snapped him out of his thoughts.

Surprisingly, it was not a letter from Sirius but rather from James. He had not heard from him in some time, since Lily was pregnant and the pair was busily preparing for their firstborn’s arrival.

_”Remus,_

_I know things between you and Sirius have been difficult lately, and I’m not here to judge or to pry, but he needs you right now. Regardless of what happened. He’s a mess. Wisteria is pregnant again. He won’t tell me the whole story, but she raped him, Moony. They’re not letting him leave Grimmauld Place, either._

_Please write to him, before they limit his post. I’m scared for him, and you should be too._

_-James”_

Remus felt like he was going to be sick, but somehow managed to pen a quick note to Sirius without losing it.

_”Sirius,_

_I’m sorry for what I said. I miss you -- James said you’re in trouble. What’s going on?_

_-Moony”_

With nothing else to do but wait for a reply, Remus fell into bed, but didn’t sleep a wink.

\--

Sirius’ reply came two days later. The poor bird that delivered it looked half plucked, so Remus let it inside to rest while he read. It was written in untidy, rambling scrawled sentences that ran into each other, without any addressee or signature.

_”I’m sorry too, Moony. They’ve trapped me in my childhood bedroom again. I try to sleep but the memories keep coming, both the new and the old. One moment, I’m betraying you at the Whomping Willow, the next my robes are on fire and Mother is laughing, then I’m paralyzed by Wisteria. I can’t get any peace._

_They’ve taken my wand, but I spelled this ink to only reveal itself to you a long time ago so at least I have that until they figure it out. I can’t take it. They’ve taken Romulus from me, won’t let me see him until Wisteria gives birth again. It’s twins this time, and that’s a bad omen in the pureblood world. She’s not due for four more months, I don’t know what I will do if something happens to Rommy.”_

That’s how it continued for the next couple weeks - Remus would wait days and days between Sirius’ responses, always fearing that each note would be the last. Things gradually got somewhat more bearable, from what Sirius said. He was still trapped in that awful house, but was no longer confined to his bedroom. He spent most of his time in his Animagus form, curled up in small spaces to remain undetected. He said that helped, that when he was a dog he could not think very complexly, so he was able to sleep.

After about two months since his first letter, Sirius did not reply for a week. Remus tried to calm his nerves, telling himself that just because it was a little longer than usual did not mean anything. Despite having nothing better to do, he found himself not sleeping and instead endlessly pacing around his home. 

Because of this, he was awake before dawn when the phone rang.

“Remus.”

It was Sirius. It was the second time he had called him, and nine days since he had written.

“Sirius? Where are you calling from?”

“I’m just outside St. Mungo’s.”

Sirius was quiet, his voice level as if trying to not attract attention to himself.

“St. Mungo’s? Why are you there?”

“It’s Wisteria. The babies started coming last night, too early.”

“Oh,” Remus said, unsure of how to respond. “Is she alright?”

Sirius said nothing.

“Sirius, is Wisteria alright?” Remus repeated.

“She’s dead.”

Remus drew breath sharply. “And the babies?”

“The healers, they said she took the babies with her. They didn’t make it either.”

Sirius’ voice caught on the last few words, and Remus could hear muffled sobs from the other end of the call.

“I’m so sorry, Sirius. I don’t know what to say.” He pressed his forehead against the cool window pane, and tried to steady himself.

“Wisteria’s parents are taking Romulus,” he wailed, no longer attempting to quiet himself. “They say I’ve been absent, and that’s why Wisteria… that’s why she…”

“You can’t listen to them,” Remus interrupted, desperate to talk some sense into him. “You’re his father, that has to count for something. He’s the Black family heir, after all, right?”

“It doesn’t matter.” Sirius’ voice was abruptly calm, which scared Remus even more than his sobbing. “They’re going to take him, my parents are supporting it. Like you said, he’s the heir now, they don’t need me. I’ve fucked it all up.”

“No, Sirius, this is in no way your fault, please believe me. What will it take to get him back?” Remus was pleading with him now.

Sirius was silent for a beat. “I have to give you up.” More silence. “If I be their perfect son, if I be their puppet, there’s a chance they’ll let me see him. That’s what they told me. How am I supposed to choose?”

Remus should have known that things between them would eventually end this way. He had felt the weight growing heavy ever since Sirius married, but had denied it to himself. He was tired, exhausted in fact, from the constant lost love. The more he thought, the more he realized their relationship had hardly existed for a while. He had even had a drunken one night stand with a stranger a few months prior, causing him much shame the following morning.

He could have told Sirius that. He could have made things easy on himself and told the truth. But he didn’t, at least not all of it.

“I want you to be happy, Sirius. This charade that we have, constantly hiding and never having enough time, cannot make you happy. But Romulus can. You’re a great father, and your son needs you.”

There was a loud thud from Sirius’ end, and Remus could envision him slamming his hand on the inside of the telephone booth. “But I need you, Moony.”

“No, you don’t. I’m sorry, Padfoot, but I’m choosing for you. Your father neglected you, would you do the same to Romulus?” Remus was holding back tears now, determined to sound strong and convincing.

“Well, no, but --”

“Goodbye, Sirius.”

He hung the phone back up on the wall, and sank to the floor. The tears came freely, like a dam had been opened. He must have stayed there for hours and eventually fallen asleep, for when he awoke the sun was just setting.

\--

The funeral was a sullen affair, as most are. It was a wonder that Remus was even permitted to be there, but James had pulled some pureblood strings for which he was eternally grateful. After all, it was his last chance to see Sirius.

Remus stood behind James and Lily, the latter of which held their son Harry. It struck Remus how similar Romulus and Harry looked - he had of course realized that James and Sirius shared many physical traits (“It’s an inbred pureblood thing,” Sirius had said in their fourth year), but the effect was amplified on their children. Upon Harry’s birth, James had named Sirius as his godfather. It was such a shame, Remus thought, that Harry would never get to know his godfather, or his cousin.

See, two days after his phone call with Remus, Sirius hung himself in his childhood bedroom at Grimmauld Place. Despite doing everything they had asked, his parents and the Bulstrodes decided resolutely against giving him Romulus. Believing himself to be permanently estranged from the two most important people in his life, and trapped in a seemingly never-ending cycle of nightmares, he decided to end it.

Remus looked down at the open casket, but he did not recognize the man inside of it. Like that photograph in the newspaper that felt so long ago, he didn’t see the face of the boy he fell in love with. He had been gone a long time. Remus regretted a lot of things in his life, but nothing would ever surmount letting that boy go.


End file.
